i don’t know all the reasons, but this has been a week from hell.

it’s been raining, which rarely makes me happy. it adds a whole extra level of danger when leaving the house. trying to get out the door is hard enough because our stairs/porches are rotting and falling apart. we can’t use the front porch/stairs because of this; there are literal holes rotted out of both. when it rains, the back stairs (which are treacherous enough dry) turn slick as snot, and someone falls down them every year. earlier this week, it was Gana when faer foot slipped, and fae landed hard. tears were shed, which is intense, because Gana doesn’t cry often.

and because of the impact, the stairs are more spongy than normal, which is new and terrifying to try and walk down. so leaving the house has been scarier than normal.

my anxiety has skyrocketed in the past week, and i’m not really sure why. it’s been Bad, though. i had anxiety inducing dreams last night involving too many people trying to back out of parking spaces into the same spot in front of me. driving is more stressful than usual.

to add to that, my check engine light is on and something in the engine is grinding when i accelerate. and i need new tires, and to have them balanced so that my car doesn’t feel like it’s going to shake apart. like i said above, driving is stressful, and dreams about other people being bad drivers makes it more stressful than normal.

i’ve also started getting really bad tension headaches, which is new and different. i think it might be related to the angle my computer is at, but there’s not really a way to raise the screen without causing other issues, since it’s (usually) a laptop.

we’ve had a couple of appointments this week, which we didn’t really want to go to but needed to get out of the way. yesterday was the worst, because we were gone most of the day; left a little after noon, and didn’t get home until 6. it was rough, and we didn’t really eat before leaving in case labs were needed (which they were for Gana). i talked with the doctor about this diabetes thing, and what it meant. he’s pretty confident it was caught early, so if i can get it under control now, i shouldn’t wind up insulin dependent.

this has brought about dietary changes for me. i’m a lot more aware of what i’m eating, how often, and what kind of food i’m eating. i’m not trying to cut out carbs entirely, because i know that they’re a necessity to a healthy diet, but i am trying to cut back on things like potatoes, pasta, and (the most difficult for me) candy. i’ve had a rough time trying to find new things to snack on, and have turned to mixed nuts for most of it. the issue there is that i’m peanut sensitive, so i try to avoid them as much as possible. i found a set that’s cashews, almonds, and pecans, which is pretty tasty, if a little salty. i’m also trying to make sure i eat more salad and make better choices with fast food. i’ve seen some progress with the sugar levels, and i’ve also dropped a few pounds, so there’s that.

today, i had my second appointment with the behavioral psychologist, and i think it went well. we talked about how i’m feeling, what i’m worrying about, and how i’m dealing with the new diagnosis. she’s happy that i seem to be improving on the depression, and is giving me strategies and tools to help with the anxiety. last time i was in, we talked about decreasing screen time, especially before bed, to try and help my really shitty sleep schedule. that’s helped quite a bit. we also talked about trying to get more active again, since that will also help improve both mood and blood sugar levels. i want to go back to the gym. i miss working out (and having space to work out). the car issues being what they are, though, i’m not sure i’m ready to drive down to the gym every day yet. we do have weights and a pedal machine here, so i’d like to start using those again.

we talked about language and intentions, which is a thing i’m very familiar with. the psychologist doesn’t like using the word “should” (and its sibling shouldn’t) because it carries a weight of obligation. i can understand that and agree with it, and i’d like to adopt that mindset.

i’m considering taking a more active role in politics during this next presidential election. i want to help stop another 2016 from happening, and feel like being an active member of a campaign would help that. but i’m hesitant to be more vocal because i’m afraid of making myself a target, and also commitment.

i asked for another followup in about a month to see where i’m at (and maybe talk about Lila), which means that November is going to be another busy month. i have two appointments, and Gana has three so far.

speaking of November, the RT Extra Life stream is next month, as is RWBY volume 7. i’m excited for those. Extra Life is my one intentional all-nighter every year.

moodwise, i’m playing minecraft and enjoying it again. i’ve paused on ink/witchtober for the past week or so, but i’m going to finish the prompt list before the end of the month. i’m slowly getting back to drawing again. i have several things i want to finish so that i can move on to other projects. getting the motivation for that is one of my primary goals.

so, yeah. that’s where i’m at right now. i’m seeing some overall improvement, and hope that it continues.

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